Awesome FML Quotes

Feeling a bit down, a bit stressed, n all that shyt… I resolved to bring on a touch of cheer by reading some quotes on the FML App for iPhone.   For those who don’t know – FML is an acronym for ‘F*ck my life’, and is usually used when something crappy happens. Anyway… my mood was lifted and ribs were hurting from laughter after above five minutes.

Today, I had surgery on my “girl parts” and can’t have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

Today, I got demoted from my manager’s position, only to be replaced by a 21 year old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on msn when her roommate answered «Sorry, this is not Marie, she is at her boyfriend’s ». Really? I’ve looked everywhere in my flat, I can’t find her. FML

Today, I heard my sister having a fuck. FML

Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called “How to confess to having an affair.” FML

Today, as I was talking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, “No, not you! My other daddy!” I’ve got some talking to do tonight. FML

Today I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum I heard my mum’s voice on my voicemail: “Hi sweetheart”. FML

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn’t able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

Probably the funniest (and grossest) quote so far…

Today I was looking for a magazine in my mother’s bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. So: my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad’s cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

6 Responses

  1. cmclark0516 says:

     My friend crashed my car into a parked car and I got a DUI cause it was my car and 6 other charges! FML

  2. MAB says:

    today i became illuminati ,, FML .. uh not rlly

  3. Lostu2010 says:

    woke up and found my car gone…go to my phone to make some calls and see the police called so i listen to voice mess … and it says my car had been towed… it cost me $350.00 for parking at a friends house …wow fml

  4. Wiesetiffiny says:

    toay i was sittin down my pants were way  to small then when i sat down they ripped and i forgot to put underwear on and it ripped in the front and back FML.

  5. Not even says:

    Today I posted this saying FML

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