The Lunatic Party of Canada

After having been exposed to a political establishment in Canada in which all four major political parties are out to lunch, I have decided to publish a manifesto for the newly formed Lunatic Party of Canada.  Featuring myself as the Party Chairman, and my feline friend Moggy as Party Deputy Chairman. The party does not need a Treasurer because we don’t need cash.  The party does not need a secretary because I’m a trained one. The party does not need advertising either because it’s all done online.

About The Party

At the Lunatic Party of Canada we realise that we cannot please everyone, and so we attempt to strike a balance where we can help all sides of the political spectrum in a few issues.  Unlike the other political parties who only vote according to their party’s political leanings – we will govern based on right and wrong.  Whoever asks ‘who is to say what right and wrong is’ will have their vote of support for us rejected.  Pointless debates about what one person thinks  is right might not be that way for the next just cloud the political atmosphere and prevent action.

Punishing people convicted of a crime is righteous.  Dealing drugs because you’re an ugly albino bitchass and too damn stupid and lazy to live an honest life is not right.  You should by now have an inkling of the types of things we think are right and wrong.

Party Platform/Manifesto

Firearms Issues

The Right to Bear Arms / possess firearms for self defence will be written into the Constitution of Canada.

The right to carry a concealed firearm will also be permitted, subject to appropriate stringent checks, because the Lunatic Party of Canada realizes that when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.

Gun Classification will be removed from the purview of all law enforcement agencies.  Law enforcement will be given opportunity to voice their objections to weapons classifications, but the final decision will be given to a panel of four civilian subject matter experts, with my vote being given in the event of a tied vote.

Aboriginal Issues

The Indian Act will be scrapped entirely and will be replaced with complete, full, and immediate Federal recognition of sovereignty for all First Nations (whether they like it or not).  Federal loans will be available to First Nations to produce their own passports and manage their own citizenship.

All tax exemptions for First Nations will therefore be repealed.  All affirmative action policies concerning First Nation citizens will be made illegal.  Aboriginal produced products/businesses will be subject to the same import/export laws as any other sovereign state.

All Treaties will be immediately honoured regardless of the cost, and land disputes settled (adjusted for inflation). Any non-First Nation property within Reserve boundaries will immediately be deemed illegal settlements.  The Right to Compensation will come from Federal funds if the land was misappropriated after 1945, and will come from Provincial funds in which the property exists if the land was misappropriated before 1945.

National Defence / Military Issues

The Department of National Defence will immediately have limits removed from its budget.  Conscription for all able bodied persons over the age of 18 years old will be mandatory for two years – although not necessarily when they turn 18 years old.  All able bodied persons after their conscription duty will be required to take fitness tests four times a year, as well as weapons qualifying four times a year, and be mandated to serve in times of national emergency.

Canada will immediately scrap the CF-18 jets in inventory, scrap the F-35 acquisition, and convince the United States to let it’s neighbour and ally purchase or lease two-hundred F-22 Raptor fighter jets.  Some have suggested the F-23 would be a better fit but although they are stealthier and faster, they are less agile than the F-22 which could mean deaths of Canadian pilots up against the sneaky fucking Russians.

Canada will immediately negotiate the construction and purchase five Nimitz Class Battle Groups from the United States, with the provision that half of the contract will be built in Canada.

The Canadian Army will be increased to 95,000 regular force troops, and 30,000 reserve troops.  The Navy will be increased by 28,000 combat sailors. The Air Force will be increased by 19,000 regular force combat pilots, and 43,000 reserve force combat pilots.

The Canadian military will also move its preferred standard issue rifle to the AK-74 – this is out of pure economics, and its almost unrivalled durability.  Bullets are dirt cheap, as are the weapons. For special forces and other select areas of the military, the military will switch from the AR platform to the XCR family of modular rifles by Robinson Armaments.

Foreign Policy

Canada will make eliminating the threat to Canadian ideals whether internationally or domestically from religious extremism the primary national priority.  Canada will take the fight to religious extremists literally.  For example – Canada will bomb ISIS into oblivion regardless of the cost, and/or national will, and will also start engaging in targeted assassinations.

Canada will commit troops to any conflict in which innocent people are being killed.

Canada will also cancel economic and military cooperation with all countries with a crappy human rights record.  Intelligence links between foreign agencies will be carefully cultivated and maintained to ensure Canada’s interests are maintained, and founding ideals are adhered to.

Environment

The Lunatic Party of Canada recognizes that once the environment is destroyed, we cannot create another one.  Anyone who disagrees with climate change due to pollution will have their voting rights removed.

Anyone who prioritizes material possessions such as money over the environment will have their voting rights removed.

Any companies or persons who pollutes the environment will be subject to punitive taxes of $100 per cubic ton of emissions.  Any companies or persons who reduce their pollution will be rewarded.  Any companies or persons who reduces their carbon footprint to zero will be relieved of the legal responsibility of paying taxes.

All mineral resources above and below private land will belong to the owner of the land.

Justice

All criminal activity will be grouped under two classifications: Righteous, and Unrighteous. For instance – a hard working man who’s been made redundant (because some fat cat has decided to downsize his company) that steals a loaf of bread to feed his family, or steals baby formula to feed his child will be given the product he’s stolen and it will be paid for by the people that made him redundant, and this will be classified as a Righteous Crime.  Someone shooting another person dead because they are being held at gunpoint, or their family held hostage will be an example of a Righteous Crime

An example of an Unrighteous Crime will be someone dealing drugs.  People committing Unrighteous Crimes will be given one reprieve at the death penalty and have half of their possessions liquidated and the proceeds given to a national charity for crime victims.  People committing a second Unrighteous Crime will be led to the gallows.

Prostitution and marijuana will immediately be legalized, federally regulated,and taxed.

Crimes against children, and sexual crimes will require immediate execution.

Polygraph tests will also be admissible in court.

Citizenship and Immigration

Canadian citizens fighting for terrorist groups and hostile nations will instantly have their citizenship revoked, unless they are born Canadians – in which case they will be brought back to Canada and led to the gallows.

A system will be introduced to convert the citizenship of born Canadians who are habitual welfare hounds to Permanent Residence.  Former Canadian citizens who’ve been converted to Permanent Residents will be denied the right to vote, the right to drive a vehicle, and the right to own property, until their citizenship has been reinstated through hard work.

Children

Having children will require a permit, which will be granted only if the parents can afford children without federal assistance.

Free childcare will be provided by the federal government to every parent wanting to get or keep a job.

Welfare

Social assistance will be freely provided to everyone with a history of contribution to the system and who actively want to work, and are attempting to find work, or persons who are determined to be unable to work by a licensed medical professional.

Receipt of social assistance will also be conditional upon passing weekly drug testing.

Miscellaneous

The rich, and privileged upper echelons of Canadian society will be banned from being able to make decisions in business, or government that will have an effect on average Canadians, but not on rich people.  For instance – rich people will not be allowed to create laws regarding taxes.

If you have a question on our Platform regarding a particular issue, please contact me as it would take far to long to type out our entire platform.

Ryan Paul

A British expat living in a state of deep hatred for the types of people produced in Kenora.

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